the biggest wonder of the world

I remembered when Pam text-ed me, saying how she cried, reflecting on how once she really felt close to God. How deep down inside, she knew there was a connection, that she was living by His will. And how she got touched once again by the woship. It hit me real hard too. It really got me thinking, am I really living by His will? I go to church and worship and all, but do I really have that relationship with God? Am I really living the way He wants me to live? Whatever it is, it got me thinking real good. There were regrets, definitely. But then again, thank God that Pam reminded me the slightest thing that I didn't know change in my life.

I started thinking, how God already lead me into his purposes for me and his ways for me to act upon. It's been my third year knowing God. Everytime when I'm almost achieving my success spiritually, I brought myself back to the world. Something, that I've been struggling with. I get so worn out by the world's system, honestly. My hope was always to be able to have holidays, cuz that's the one particular moment where I'm not bothered by anything else and I can really focus. Up to the point where I can share, fast, and study the bible at least. Well, that mentailty of having to focus only during free time is definitely wrong. But yeah, I really don't know how to stay focused when I get thrown so far away God's presence.

Again, there is no such thing as being far away from God's presence. It's totally normal to feel that way when we don't try to talk to God, I know that, but altogether, it's just hard. Thing is, I'm not only trying to say it's hard. I'm claiming that however hard it is to stay focus, I WANT TO. And I will, one day. Thankyou sayang, for reminding me in your most indirect ways...

Work has been really tough. No, I don't say the word tough for the sake of it. I felt it. The pain is not easy to take. I have predict that skipping meals and sleepless nights would be an everyday routine, but I've been pushed to the limit where I start questioning myself, "Hey, is this worth it? Am I the only people person that skips his meal and doesn't sleep?! Everyone seems normal! They still live their routine which is seemingly 'hard', but why do I have to pay 5 times of it?" Well, then again, as the advertisers speak, I'll know when to shut up and realize when I receive my first award. But Godly speaking, wth?!
I guess I'm just to damn confused to be writing now. For you who have been reading up to this line, the verdict?

once again, nothing much really.